Demotivational letter (or why you should never hire me)

I’m looking for a job.

I’m almost 26, I speak Bulgarian fluently, English – almost fluently, Czech – well enough to talk about my daily life and Russian – comprehensively enough to be able to get the Moscow metro in the right direction and to buy myself an ice cream.

I need the job you’ll potentially offer to me because of one single thing – money for food, clothes, traveling and another 5% of other things.

It’s very possible that I won’t believe in your company’s slogan. I’ll be there for the money only.

There’s a high emotionally-driven probability that I’ll do my job reluctantly. (Yet, I guarantee that before I quit I will be doing it.)

I think that working for your dream is disgusting and hypocritical towards me myself but I have no other choice because I don’t know what my dream is.

In no way and never will 22 days of holiday be enough for me, especially if they’re divided between the winter and the summer. If it turns out I can’t spend the summer close to the sea, it will most probably draw my inevitable quitting even closer in time.

If I feel that my job is not about helping somebody but, on the contrary, about lying or talking them into spending their money for something I’ll quit in a few months.

If I can’t spare some time to take a little rest through traveling (without going too far) I will leave your company after about a year working there.

I am not always a good team worker.

I don’t have a driving licence.

I might never take one.

The rational part of my brain is very poorly developed to the point that I don’t understand the purpose and usage of simple objects.

Now imagine how I feel about cars.

I’m extremely dependent on my largely unstable emotions.

I often hurry through things.

I can probably work under stress and tension but I don’t want to.

If you often expose me to stress and tension I’ll quit very soon because I’ll be afraid that I’ll develop cancer or another disease and I’ll die young before I have even found out what my dream is and made it come true.

I very often react negatively at the attempts of somebody to teach me something unless they have the right approach.

Even more often I myself don’t know which approach is right.

It’s extremely dependent on my emotions.

The only thing I learn easily are languages and I don’t even mind if you correct every second word I say.

I offer you:

  • lack of hypocrisy: I’m telling you now that I don’t care if your business dies in a year or not if its goal hasn’t touched my heart and convinced me that the reason why it exists is to make the world a better place for living.
  • 0% of time spent playing solitaire: I am just restless by nature. After half an hour spent in doing something I consider “unproductive” (a broad term), I get crazy and start doing something usually boring but nevertheless productive. That will probably be the job you’ll offer to me.
  • positive attitude towards colleagues: I don’t hate a single person on the planet and I’m trying to understand every person’s motives. Revenge, talking behind people’s backs and doing dirty tricks are all completely unfamiliar to me. I like helping others.
  • respect for your property: I don’t steal. Sometimes I break things, usually not on purpose, but in some cases – when somebody really drives me mad (usually these are my closest people and you will hardly become such) – I also break things on purpose.

Basic abilities:

  • computer literacy – MS Word; Excel terrifies me but I’m willing to learn how to use it as well as any other type of software.
  • writing – there are just a few things in the world I do well. One of them is making carrot cream soup and the other is writing with soup making being the stronger skill.
  • singing – no one has ever told me I could sing well but the truth is that when I’m alone and I’m sure the neighbours are away, I play some music and sing along and that captivates me so much that I experience the physiologically described state of “flow” when, engaged in a creative (or, rather, re-creative (in both ways you potentially understand that word)) activity I lose track of time.
  • photography – my photographs have no commercial value (at least with regard to the mass market); my daily work with Photoshop comprises of resizing pictures. My biggest skill in this software is using the Patch tool.
  • traveling – I can travel with bad organisation and low budget and I’m willing to visit any place on the planet apart from the Islamic State or any other formal or informal country where I would get killed or mutilated because of who I am or am not.
  • metaphorical thinking – I can express all kinds of things metaphorically even the effect I hope to achieve professionally with this post compared only to the change in the soil’s humidity that a drop of sweat might cause in the Gobi desert.
  • faith in the good and the positive (however, even if you also believe in them, don’t really hope too much that I’ll attract positive change into your business if I don’t believe in it)

 What are my expectations:

I can hardly expect from you to offer a job to me. Regardless of that, I’m open for all sorts of ideas which, in the worse scenario, will only bring me money for living and in the better – will engage me with socially beneficial activities.

Don’t offer me volunteering. I need enough money to lead a normal and peaceful life. If I have it, I’ll volunteer with an open heart.

If you don’t hire me, you’ll do me a favour: I won’t have to deal with yet another thing that draws me further from my own dream, whatever it may be.

If you hire me, you’ll give me the chance to discover this dream by the trial-and-error method and in some way you’ll make up for the disgusting feeling I’m working only for your wishes and dreams.

I live in Czech Republic and would be willing to move somewhere else only with my heart’s consent.

I am expecting all kinds of offers.

Full of respect for the fact you’ve launched a business and you’re following your wishes,

but not for you yourselves because I don’t know you, yet

which practically means that for the time being I respect you as much as I’d respect a stranger

(and I feel a basic form of respect to almost every crime-free (a broad term) person),

Antonia Ivanova

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